Poke Out My Eyes I Have Seen It All Now


Saturday, January 10, 2009

Criminal Element(ary)

Everyone is worried about crime these days. But I'm here to tell you that the state of our criminal element is in sad decline. Here's the breakdown as I see it:

True criminal masterminds (1%)
Vicious, horrible people (5%)
Folks who murdered loved ones (5%)
White collar criminals...
embezzlers, scam artists, etc. (5%)
Drug dealers, including horticulturists (30%)
Girlfriends of the drug dealers who weren't dealing themselves, just living at the house and getting high, and couldn't give the DA any names to bail themselves out of a jam (10%)
People who got in bar fights or did other stupid shit while drunk, like attempting to drive a vehicle (25%)
Dummies who can't get off probation and are in jail for doing seemingly legal things (all the rest)
I've been working with the criminal element for years, and criminals ain't what they used to be. It used to be that if you were seeing a criminal, you damn well better hide your purse, keep your office door open, and tread lightly. Those days are gone. Most of the criminals we see today don't know how to open a can of soup. Not even the cans with the flip tops.

Oh, we still see the regular folks who ended up in prison. You know, the grama who started going to the casino and ended up embezzling $248,000 from the bank where she had worked as a teller for the past 30 years. The college kid who got in a drunken brawl while in a blackout, and woke up in jail charged with a hate crime and felony assault. Yeah, that last guy he smacked in the face was gay, even though our college kid wouldn't be able to pick his victim out of a line up consisting of said gay guy and 3 Weimaraners. The gal whose drunken husband was beating on her and then foolishly handed her a gun and said, "Just shoot me". And she did.

But believe me, the vast majority of offenders or inmates or criminals are no criminal masterminds. They are not very good at crime at all, that's why they're in prison. They decide to rob the neighborhood bank at 7:30 a.m., forgetting that it doesn't open until 8 a.m. So they leave their car in the lot and walk over to McDonald's, eat breakfast, and then walk back to the bank. They don't have masks and approach the teller, who used to babysit for them. They get about 1.5 blocks away before the local constable pulls them over with their "take": $176.

Most of the people in prison and jail on drug charges are just alcoholics and junkies. We all know that the War on Drugs doesn't scoop up a whole lot of the major dealers and distributors, that's why it's such big front-page news when they actually do get one of those guys. Of course now we have a new wave of prisoners sitting in stir for murder. Yeah, it's the junkie who yesterday went to Joe's house and Joe got him loaded on Fentanyl and anything else within reach. Today, Joe went to the junkie's house and scored the Fentanyl, but died of an overdose. Voila! Murder!!

The saddest group are the probation violators. These are the brainiacs who are back in the can because they did things that, had they just finished out those last 6 months of probation, would have been perfectly legal. They had a couple of beers (or a lot of beers). They didn't show up for a drug test. They signed a contract. They moved out of the county or out of the state. They didn't get a job. Had they just gone about their business and followed a few simple directions for another 90 or 180 days, they'd have been home free. But no.

They actually show up for a breathalyzer and blow .24. Seriously?? A few get all cagey and hightail it. They think they're like Al Capone, "on the lam". They imagine that the entire law enforcement community is frantically scouring the city, that their mug shots are posted far and wide. The truth of the matter is no one is looking for them at all. Oh, there's a warrant out, but no need to go looking for these rocket scientists. They are on the lam alright, at their girlfriend's place or in their childhood room at mommy's house. And they will always turn up again like a bad penny, saving law enforcement any hassle in terms of hunting them down.

Here's your criminals:


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