Poke Out My Eyes I Have Seen It All Now


Saturday, January 10, 2009

Criminal Element(ary)

Everyone is worried about crime these days. But I'm here to tell you that the state of our criminal element is in sad decline. Here's the breakdown as I see it:

True criminal masterminds (1%)
Vicious, horrible people (5%)
Folks who murdered loved ones (5%)
White collar criminals...
embezzlers, scam artists, etc. (5%)
Drug dealers, including horticulturists (30%)
Girlfriends of the drug dealers who weren't dealing themselves, just living at the house and getting high, and couldn't give the DA any names to bail themselves out of a jam (10%)
People who got in bar fights or did other stupid shit while drunk, like attempting to drive a vehicle (25%)
Dummies who can't get off probation and are in jail for doing seemingly legal things (all the rest)
I've been working with the criminal element for years, and criminals ain't what they used to be. It used to be that if you were seeing a criminal, you damn well better hide your purse, keep your office door open, and tread lightly. Those days are gone. Most of the criminals we see today don't know how to open a can of soup. Not even the cans with the flip tops.

Oh, we still see the regular folks who ended up in prison. You know, the grama who started going to the casino and ended up embezzling $248,000 from the bank where she had worked as a teller for the past 30 years. The college kid who got in a drunken brawl while in a blackout, and woke up in jail charged with a hate crime and felony assault. Yeah, that last guy he smacked in the face was gay, even though our college kid wouldn't be able to pick his victim out of a line up consisting of said gay guy and 3 Weimaraners. The gal whose drunken husband was beating on her and then foolishly handed her a gun and said, "Just shoot me". And she did.

But believe me, the vast majority of offenders or inmates or criminals are no criminal masterminds. They are not very good at crime at all, that's why they're in prison. They decide to rob the neighborhood bank at 7:30 a.m., forgetting that it doesn't open until 8 a.m. So they leave their car in the lot and walk over to McDonald's, eat breakfast, and then walk back to the bank. They don't have masks and approach the teller, who used to babysit for them. They get about 1.5 blocks away before the local constable pulls them over with their "take": $176.

Most of the people in prison and jail on drug charges are just alcoholics and junkies. We all know that the War on Drugs doesn't scoop up a whole lot of the major dealers and distributors, that's why it's such big front-page news when they actually do get one of those guys. Of course now we have a new wave of prisoners sitting in stir for murder. Yeah, it's the junkie who yesterday went to Joe's house and Joe got him loaded on Fentanyl and anything else within reach. Today, Joe went to the junkie's house and scored the Fentanyl, but died of an overdose. Voila! Murder!!

The saddest group are the probation violators. These are the brainiacs who are back in the can because they did things that, had they just finished out those last 6 months of probation, would have been perfectly legal. They had a couple of beers (or a lot of beers). They didn't show up for a drug test. They signed a contract. They moved out of the county or out of the state. They didn't get a job. Had they just gone about their business and followed a few simple directions for another 90 or 180 days, they'd have been home free. But no.

They actually show up for a breathalyzer and blow .24. Seriously?? A few get all cagey and hightail it. They think they're like Al Capone, "on the lam". They imagine that the entire law enforcement community is frantically scouring the city, that their mug shots are posted far and wide. The truth of the matter is no one is looking for them at all. Oh, there's a warrant out, but no need to go looking for these rocket scientists. They are on the lam alright, at their girlfriend's place or in their childhood room at mommy's house. And they will always turn up again like a bad penny, saving law enforcement any hassle in terms of hunting them down.

Here's your criminals:


Tuesday, January 6, 2009


We might as well establish something right from the get-go. I'm basically poor white trash. There's no shame in that. It's not like I'm "White Trash".

"White Trash" encompasses that group of people who:

  • make their mutt churn out litter after litter of spectacularly messed up mixed-breed pups, and then tries to pass them off as some bizarre designer pooch, worth hundreds and thousands of dollars.

  • never even intend to pay their freaking bills, but are always the victim

  • have a severe case of chronic work-avoidance syndrome

  • are stupid - - not ignorant. Ignorant people, as we all know, can be edumacated. But as the saying goes, "you can't fix stupid".

On the other hand, poor white trash is more a state of mind. We're poor white trash, and damn proud of it. We tend to like animals at least as much if not more than most humans. We are sometimes crude, but not generally intentionally mean and vicious. We really don't care about keeping up appearances. We don't follow trends and fads. There's generally at least a partial picture of a dog or two in most every family photo. We sometimes make ignorant decisions or get in a bind, but get ourselves out of it and can actually learn from mistakes. We don't take hand-outs.

Case in point: how many of you have had something repossessed? C'mon, raise your hands. What? :::squinting, trying to see hands::::

We had a car repossessed. Yep, we got ourselves in a helluva financial situation, one so bad that an attorney said, "Cut your losses, file bankrupcy". But you know, poor white trash has that crazy pride. No bankrupcy, just years of paying for things we no longer owned, right down to the last penny. When the decent car was repo-ed, we bought the Bondo Wagon. I'm not really sure why we called it the Bondo Wagon, as there was no Bondo on it whatsoever. Just acres of rust and some rather neat accessories. We had the no-hands-access to the trunk: just reach right in there through one of the rust-holes and grab what you need. And who the heck needs all those gears? Since Bondo stalled out at anything less than 20 mph, we just learned to throw the car in neutral when slowing down, and hit the gas pedal. The holes in the floorboards eliminated the need for any of that fancy-schmancy air-conditioning. You get the point.

We drove that $50 car for about 18 months while digging out of the financial mess, and drove it with pride. Any poor white trash worth their salt realizes that you have to beat people to the punch: flaunt your "I'm a financial idiot" status before anyone gets a chance to start talking behind your back.

Fast forward about 20 years: we're still somewhat financial idiots, but the money situation is actually pretty good. We have a nice little rural spread, horses, dogs, cats and the kids are grown and out on their own, both with good work ethics (yay kids!). We're the King and Queen of "oh geez, it's good enough". The best is for someone who has too much time on their hands and wants to spend the time, money and effort for that perfection jazz. We laugh inappropriately at the most inopportune times, swear too much, have several bad habits between us which we have no intention of changing, watch reality television, have been known to order pay-per-view for professional wrestling extravaganzas, and put off today that which we could certainly do tomorrow or perhaps avoid altogether.

I just wanted to get that right out there for you, the poor white trash thing.

Embrace it.